i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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