I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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