I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
