Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
