i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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