tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
