If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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