Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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