You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize