I will die if light touches me.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
