I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
