he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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