Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
