would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
