I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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