I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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