my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
