The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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