Swine flu. Run for my life!
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize