either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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