I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
