i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
