Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
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