i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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