One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
