you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
All the doctor said was why
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
