I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
