the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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