We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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