Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
