I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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