Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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