Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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