If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
