I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
