We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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