What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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