I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
