I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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