Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
