Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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