a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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