I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
