I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
