I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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