I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
