8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
