Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize