your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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