We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
