I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
