If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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