Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
