Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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