If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
